I ended up repaying these various loans all by myself because his professional situation did not improve. Three different debits were deducted from my salary every month. In my relationship with Jean-Paul, I had responsibilities that shouldn’t have been mine. The roles were reversed. I should have been the support, the one who would come to assist her husband’s mission. Instead, I found myself in a marriage carrying the burden of the man. This situation created a significant imbalance within me. An imbalance that I have been fighting against to this day.

Over the years, I ended up developing my masculine side in terms of taking responsibilities. I would say I became a man-woman. Capable of providing for the family’s needs, managing, and making quick decisions. When people observe me today, they see (the hyper-independent woman who doesn’t need anyone to get by) that’s the image I project. I’ve learned to think of everything, to solve everything without asking for anything. To the point where a man by my side would feel USELESS.

When Jean-Paul and I got married, I was aware of his professional situation, his qualities, and flaws. In my naive little mind, I thought, “He will change.” This is usually the worst resolution of married women: “He will change.” I understood much later that marriage doesn’t change anyone or any situation. On the contrary, it amplifies what already exists.

Your spouse, before marriage, was angry, he will be even more so in marriage. Did he cheat on you when you were engaged? He will do it even more once you are married. Was he under his mother’s apron strings and influenced by his father when you were engaged? This situation is unlikely to change once you’re married. But you see, I only understood this much later.

I didn’t have trouble bearing the heaviest burdens of the household. I thought his professional situation would improve, and he would take his responsibilities at that time. I got into debt so we could have a better standard of living. The expenses were such that I struggled to meet other, smaller but no less important, ones.

Woman, God placed Eve next to Adam who already had a garden! So the garden was available. Not only did Adam already have his garden to cultivate, but he was also in the presence of the Lord! The roles of the man in the household are different from those of the woman. I didn’t know that, and I learned it at my own expense.

In the household, there are limits not to exceed, boundaries not to move so as not to get burned. The man is the head of the family, the backbone of the family. As such, he has essential responsibilities that fall to him. The woman has the responsibility to manage what is available and to help ensure the best functioning of this availability.

When a woman plays a role that is not hers, she ends up distorted, exhausted, frustrated, and completely lost. It’s not in her genes to do so: she wasn’t created for that! That’s exactly what I was experiencing in this marriage: frustrations upon frustrations. The weight was simply too much to handle. If I had known at the very beginning of our relationship, I wouldn’t have taken out a bank loan to move. We could have “tightened our belts” and lived in that living room until his situation improved. I wouldn’t have taken on all the monthly household expenses and some initiatives I took out of pure ignorance either.

I would like to emphasize the aspect of the “garden” here. It’s not about being a materialistic woman or not. It’s about making sure that the man with whom you want to seal your life has his garden to cultivate, a professional activity whose fruits will allow you to live and manifest the destiny that God has for your couple. You, as a woman, come as a help so that your man fulfills his mission in this garden. You contribute, but the entire burden is not on you.

I remember the day my car broke down in traffic. The mechanic had to tow it to his garage. When the bill arrived, I couldn’t afford to get it repaired. It stayed in that garage for nearly two months.

Not to mention that morning when my ex-husband was supposed to drop me off at work with his motorcycle. Barely had he started it when it ran out of gas. We had to walk, him dragging the motorcycle, me behind him, following him for about 3 km, under the morning sun of March. I looked at my life, and it frustrated me immensely. I had a car, a husband, and yet, I was walking. Instead of moving forward, I was moving backward.

One day, while I was on a motorcycle taxi to go to work, I fell. Without really understanding what had happened, the motorcycle taxi and I found ourselves on the ground on the asphalt. My midnight-blue skirt and blouse were literally torn. My skin on my knees, thigh, lower back, and elbows was scratched on the asphalt. I had to turn back on another motorcycle taxi to change my clothes and do first aid before going back to the office.

I received no assistance from my ex-husband, except for “What happened to you?”. No help for my care, no pain relievers to buy, no relief on household chores. I continued to wake up alone at night to take care of our few-month-old baby. Can you imagine the pain in my knees, elbows, and lower back? Getting up was torture. Thanks to God, I was able to heal after a few weeks.

All these situations frustrated me. I earned a good salary as an administrative assistant in this French subsidiary and a few years later in this frozen products import company, but before the 10th of the month, I was already broke. No compassion from my spouse, no comfort, zero security.

As a woman, I had personal needs, basic needs, intimate needs that had nothing to do with those of the house and children. I couldn’t buy anything without it leading to arguments. I couldn’t buy anything for the children without causing tensions. At one point, I felt “obligated” to buy things for him too. I had reached the point of hiding what I bought to avoid any dispute.

Can you imagine what it’s like to live like in a prison? Where your every move is scrutinized and misinterpreted. We had no more intimacy, and communication was broken.

This text is an excerpt from the book “How I Overcame Divorce and Took Control of My Life” written by Flore DJINOU.

We invite you to read the following article “THE LINKS AND WOUNDS OF MY SOUL .“