I was also “calculating” a guy who had started messing with my mind while I was still in my home country, before leaving for the United States. “I’ll come and get you, or we’ll organize for you to join me.” And the naive person that I was in love believed it for a moment. He even came to introduce himself to my parents. Telenovelas, when they get into your head, make you lose touch with reality! My father didn’t like him much; he thought he was a fake guy. I didn’t even “manage” my father.

“Nobody loves me here, you don’t want my happiness, I see that. So, you don’t want grandchildren anymore? I don’t understand you anymore. You are never happy, and I’m tired, I feel like everything is falling on my head, I can’t take it anymore,” expressed the twenty-something Suzanne, perfectly playing the role of the victim. I had found my match, a perfect fit. Laughter.

I behaved like a girl who had already arrived where she was going. He called me Mrs. so-and-so, and I proudly responded, “Yes, Mr. my husband.” Wow! When you dream while sleeping, huh, it gives you that hahahahahaha! I had read a post once on the internet that somewhat cooled my enthusiasm. The post said:

“Until you are married, you remain single: We just got engaged, you are single. I live with my guy and we have kids,… you are still single. We’ve been together for fifteen years,… a big single. I call his mother ‘Mama,’ she calls you… single. My kids call him ‘Dad,’ a study shows you are… single. We have joint bank accounts, that’s old, you are… single. He took out a loan in my name, oh you are stupid and… single.” It hurt my heart a bit.

But after activating “valid explanations,” I didn’t feel concerned. I had my small savings, I embarked on the preliminary steps. I thought I had one or two years maximum, then I would join him. So, I had put some things on hold: I no longer bought clothes or shoes, I didn’t want to have too much luggage when I left, I had the bare minimum at home, I already knew I would leave it to my brother when I left.

I went to work, worked hard, but my plan was already laid out. Immigration procedures are costly when you handle them alone with limited means. I knew he had left, but I hadn’t gone to the airport to say goodbye. Who would I call? I didn’t have any family member’s number. He told me that the relationship was just between the two of us. We would tell his family later since he was leaving.

It felt strange at first, but it suited me. The chemistry between us was great. We made our future plans together without involving anyone; we were in sync, we shared the same passion for music, the Old School USA that we often sang together; we were a bit crazy! But me, I was quite crazy in my head with many “tenants.” A month later, I received his message saying he had arrived safely and would call once he was settled. If the result was positive… I was always tired, constipated, I had nausea. I thought, “Hmm, could it be what I think it is?” I bought a pregnancy test and waited days before doing it because I was so scared.

I wondered how I would manage! I was more ashamed of what people would say, of what I promised myself not to do. And my parents, who would either be happy or ask to see the father. I made him promise not to tell my parents he had traveled. He would come back to regularize the situation. When I got him, I shared my worries. He told me that if it was positive, I had to keep the baby and take care of it. What? Take care of it with stones?

I finally took the test a few days later. It was negative. I felt a sigh of relief, it was negative. I took the test several times. I even thought, “Let’s go for a general check-up.” The cause of the fatigue, migraine, constipation, nausea was known: I had typhoid. All my drama, I did it for nothing, even the teaser trailer on YouTube didn’t exist.

I always had the principle of having a child and raising them with the child’s father in a legal framework. I saw many single women with children abandoned by their fathers, struggling so much that it shocked me deeply. I continued to believe in it, and even when I felt like I was forcing to get his attention, a call on Skype, a regular conversation, in short, a sustained long-distance relationship that I could cling to while waiting, I felt increasingly unhappy, insecure, I put pressure on myself and on him too.

I wrote long letters; I didn’t know yet that I was practicing to become an author later. Laughter. The radio silence was getting longer and longer; I watched his slightest connection, hoping the guy would give me a little attention. I received some from time to time, but at increasingly long intervals of silence. I suffered from it, thinking this time it was the right one.

I felt deep inside that it wasn’t right; I stayed in my corner and focused on work. But when he resurfaced, a glimmer of hope immediately revived, and I started believing again that it was possible. The more time passed, the less I believed, the family pressure increased. I didn’t leave myself alone; I put more and more pressure on myself.

I then realized that I was alone in a relationship for two, but the difference was that it was in my head, not in reality. So I “removed my heart” to say that I had completely lost interest in this bad movie where the actress dies in the middle of the film…

This text is an excerpt from the book “Beautiful, Intelligent and… Single?” written by Suzanne KWEDI.

We invite you to read the following article “The Stage of the Activated Victim Mode…“

Alone in Relationship. Alone in Relationship. Alone in Relationship.