Why is marriage becoming so hard in the 21 Century? The threats and suffocating atmosphere in the marriages of the people of God and the world in general is frightening. I want us to have a clear cut understanding that every marriage is either moving towards oneness or drifting towards isolation whether you know it or not ! 

Understanding what threatens our marriages can really help us achieve corporate oneness and make adjustments, instead of allowing the spirit of hatred and bitterness to take roots in our marriage ; which will in turn paralyze the first love , confidence , openness and the continuity of the family and vision . 

Married life is full of sacrifice and daily adjustments because it is a process of living with what you do not expect . When couples refuse to make the necessary adjustments to move towards oneness , the resultant effect will eventually end in isolation and total stagnation.

« Owe to the world because of offenses!( plural). For offenses must come ,but owe to that man by whom the offense comes ! » Matthew 18:7 

There are inevitable difficulties and offenses that can force their way in unnoticed into the marriage. Beloved, it is not the water that enters into the boat that sinks the boat but the water you willingly allowed in the boat! Therefore, when water finds its way into your marital boat, find a way also to evacuate the water immediately because any delay may be dangerous! There are two failures in response to difficulties and offenses: 

1. There is a failure to anticipate the uncertainty of difficulties, offenses and problems 

2. There is also a failure to respond properly to difficulties, offenses and problems. I want you to know that difficulties, offenses and problems do not really mean or indicate that your marriage is wrong. Rather, your response to it will either drive you apart or bind you together. When couples refuse to grasp God’s perspective and principles on difficulties, offenses and problems, the result is isolation.

Some people respond to their trying times by trying to suppress or escape the pressures. Others respond to their predicaments by blaming or attacking others (blame shift). Folks, you must have a plan to move through these times without rejecting or withdrawing from your spouse. Trying times in marry is inevitable but because we marry with «stars in our eyes», we do not see this reality. 

«For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places» Ephesians 6:12 

Please, remember that your spouse is not your enemy ! Satan’s purposes are threatened by couples who are becoming one; therefore, Satan concentrates his major attack on them. Conflicts in marriages is common to all. The only marriage that is spared is the one in heaven ! The goal of marriage is not be a conflict – free but to handle conflict correctly when it occurs. Healthy conflicts resolution occurs when the couples involved resolves willing to seek and grant forgiveness. 

«From whence come wars and fightings among you? come they not hence, even of your lusts that war in your members? Ye lust, and have not: ye kill, and desire to have, and cannot obtain: ye fight and war, yet ye have not, because ye ask not.» James 4:1-2 

Discovery of the source of a problem will lead to recovery ! If the situations and trying times in the life of many couples will be resolved , this vital question must be answered consciously . Where does conflict come from ? Conflict may occur when our desires and quick expectations are not fulfilled( when we don’t get what we want). 

Sometimes it may be that our rights have been violated ; our expectations have not been met; or we have been hurt because of sudden betrayal or insults . And when these unfulfilled desires lingers , the resultant effects will characterize into anger, hatred , bitterness , strong animosity and resentments .

« for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness that God requires » James 1:20 

Unfulfilled desires lead to fighting ,quarreling and the home will become a wresting ring . Remember , your spouse is not your enemy , the real enemy is the strongman behind the conflicts . For conflict to be resolved , both husband and wife must be committed to oneness. 

The road to total freedom starts when one discovers in the first place that is he is not free and then ask for deliverance. Resolving conflicts requires loving confrontation but before you confront, examine the offense! Examine and determine if the offense requires confrontation. 

«The discretion of a man deferreth his anger; and it is his glory to pass over a transgression.» Proverbs 19:11 

Discretion here talks about good sense of judgement. Therefore, good sense of judgement will make you to be slow to anger and it will always be a glory to overlook offense. In resolving conflicts please, I want you to examine yourself and consider your contribution to the conflict : 

– What role did I play? 

– What pattern or habit of mine contributes to the conflict? Also examine your heart again and know if you are trying to : 

– Retaliate? 

– Restore? 

– Punish? 

– Pursue peace? 

Let us carefully go through these scriptures: 

«But speaking the truth in love, may grow up into him in all things, which is the head, even Christ: «Ephesians 4:15 

«Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.» Ephesians 4:29 

Love confronts but it should be a loving confrontation and not with arrogance. You May …

This text is an extract from the book “ Breaking The Strongholds Of Hatred And Bitterness In Marriage ” written by Victor Charles OKAFOR.

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