There is significant trauma following rape. Depending on the circumstances, the victim may falsely believe that they were somehow complicit or that it was partially their fault. This is particularly true when the assault involves a friend, someone they love or admire, or a date they were excited about. The situation can be so confusing that the victim wrongly assumes some responsibility. However, let’s be clear: rape is rape. There are no mitigating circumstances. The aggressor did not obtain the victim’s consent and acted solely on their own desires.

This is why we must stop blaming victims. Many girls and women suffer in silence, unable to speak freely about their experiences. Their shame is compounded by the judgment and condemnation of a callous and insensitive environment. Saying “yes” to a movie date does not mean saying “yes” to rape. Wearing a beautiful dress, applying makeup, smiling, or replying to a text message are not invitations for violation. We must remember these basic truths. The aggressor makes the choice to take something precious without permission, and that is never the victim’s fault.

In the shared biblical story, Shechem rapes Dinah and then speaks to her heart, proposing marriage. Dinah accepts, as Shechem and his father approach Jacob, Dinah’s father, with an official request while she remains in her aggressor’s house. The Bible does not provide further details, and I do not wish to speculate.

However, after presenting this background, I would like to pose the following questions to the modern-day Dinah:

• What scars have you retained from your past relationships?
• Have you accepted things in your relationship that you should not have?
• Have you often felt uncomfortable in your relationship but remained silent because you felt you couldn’t speak up?
• Was your fear of losing the other person greater than your desire to be in a healthy and fulfilling relationship?
• Have you ever been forced to do things against your will?

These questions are crucial, painful, but necessary. They prompt an honest reflection on the kind of love we accept and believe we deserve. If your answers to most of these questions are “yes,” then it’s time to understand that you deserve better—authentic love that does not hurt, that respects and values you, and nothing less!

Some traumatic experiences can alter our perception of reality and become the starting point for new behaviors. We begin to believe that this is all we deserve, that this is all we are worth.

Many people carry deep wounds in their souls without realizing it. Sometimes, their loved ones fail to see their pain, and they end up being misunderstood. They may be perceived as cold or promiscuous when, in reality, their behavior stems from untreated trauma, from an unhealed soul wound.

Understand this: the pattern remains the same—a person who knows they are loved will, in turn, love others. Often, a wounded person will wound others, sometimes without intending to. Someone who has overcome hardship can bring healing to others and help them heal as well.

However, healing from inner wounds can be a long and exhausting process. Women, being naturally strong emotionally, may continue to function and care for others while silently suffering.

I don’t know if this has ever happened to you, but I’ve had moments when, while cooking, I accidentally cut my finger. Did I stop cooking? No! I ran my finger under cold water, applied a bandage, and continued. It was a bit uncomfortable, yes, but my desire to prepare a meal was greater than the inconvenience of my injury. In the short term and on a small scale, this approach works. But when the stakes are higher and the wound runs deeper, we must take the time to stop, assess the severity, and seek healing.

It is a grave mistake to keep functioning when our soul is wounded without seeking inner healing. Sooner or later, these wounds will catch up with us. The good news is that you are not alone in this healing process. The Holy Spirit is there to assist you. He can enter your heart and fill voids so deep that you have no idea how He will do it. Jesus Christ heals the brokenhearted and wants to heal you.

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” – Psalm 147:3

At what point were you like Dinah?

To keep a relationship or to be accepted, you sometimes compromised on deeply important values. Deep inside, you wanted to speak up, share your perspective, express disagreement, but you didn’t dare—for fear of losing the relationship, for fear of rejection. You are like her.

The modern Dinah may think this way. These thoughts must be overturned because they do not come from God. The cycle of suffering in your family does not have to continue with you. You belong to the family of God! You are part of a new lineage! You are under a blessing. If divorces have been prevalent in your family, that will not be your fate! If unstable relationships have been the norm, that will not be your story.

You can have standards, you can aim high, and you do not need to diminish yourself or accept the unacceptable. A fulfilling relationship, where love, respect, and care prevail, will be your inheritance. If you see yourself in Dinah, it is time to take action, to shed this false identity, this distorted self-perception.

God does not want us to be “Dinahs.” He does not give us away cheaply; we are not on sale. Jesus Christ Himself proved His love in the most profound way—by giving Himself as the ultimate sacrifice. He died on the cross so that we, you and I, could have access to God for eternity. His sacrifice demonstrates that we are valuable women. We are precious—so precious that God Himself came down to earth in human form to save us from eternal punishment so that we may be with Him forever.

If you ever doubted your worth, this act of Jesus Christ should confirm your value. You are a pearl of great price. God loves you and knew you from your mother’s womb, from the beginning of time. Nothing escapes His infinite wisdom, His all-seeing gaze.

As you grew up, you dreamed of the perfect family, a home without shouting, tears, lies, or dysfunction. You met someone with whom you shared your dream, your fears, and your hopes.

He seemed to understand, seemed different. With him, you made some compromises—more than you initially intended. Perhaps you supported his projects with all your finances, gave him your heart, even your body, to ensure he would stay.

Yes, I know you are a Christian and that you shouldn’t have done those things. You know it too, but reality is different. Dinah also came from a family whose father feared God. Yet, false reasoning still took hold of her.

When self-esteem is at its lowest, your good family name, your appearance, and your religious background no longer matter. You want so badly for this man to stay, where others did not. Yes, you want to give him everything.

You desperately want to please him so he won’t leave, so he will love you more and more. But in the end, despite your efforts, despite your sacrifices, he still disappoints you. So, you start over with someone else, hoping this time will be different.

It is time to bring this painful relationship before the Lord. Until now, shame has kept you captive, but its grip on you is over…

This text is an excerpt from the book “I AM LIKE HER” written by Nadine Kabuya.

We invite you to read the next article: “REINTRODUCING COMMUNICATION (Mother and Daughter)“.

RECOVER FROM TRAUMA. RECOVER FROM TRAUMA. RECOVER FROM TRAUMA.

RECOVER FROM TRAUMA. RECOVER FROM TRAUMA.