I want to start by saying that if you are in a romantic relationship where you are experiencing any form of abuse, you must report it. Many young women have hidden or covered up for an abusive partner, thinking that things would get better after marriage. But on the contrary, things only got worse.

You cannot change the other person, but you can change yourself. Start by understanding who you really are. Seek to have a fair and accurate view of yourself. Stop seeing yourself through the unhealthy and malicious perspective of others.

If you have someone toxic around you, you must take the necessary steps to reverse that dynamic.

For a long time, you have let yourself be defined by what others say about you. You have made efforts to please, with your only goal being to gain acceptance, because that is how you found validation. You need to shift your perspective on this—not with bitterness or anger, but with the maturity to recognize that others are just like you: fallible human beings. Their perception is not the truth, and their words are not the final verdict on your life.

First, you will need to rebuild your self-esteem, which has likely been eroded by all the criticism and constant questioning.

Next, you must establish boundaries. What boundaries do you set for others and for yourself? Do people feel they can do anything with you, or do they know what you like and dislike? Sometimes, we blame others, but deep down, we are the ones who have not dared to set limits because we wanted so badly to be liked and accepted. We think people will love us if we give them free rein. That is simply not true.

Moreover, out of respect for those around you, you should clearly express your boundaries instead of harboring resentment in your heart, blaming them for actions they are not even aware of.

Beyond setting boundaries and communicating what you dislike, you also need to express what you do like. Verbalize your desires and appreciate when those things are done. It can be as simple as addressing the way people speak to you, for example, calmly saying: “I would like you to speak to me with respect. I do not accept being spoken to in a raised tone.“

You clearly state that you do not tolerate being shouted at or insulted. If you have been like Abigail for a long time, enduring everything, this may be difficult for you, and even surprising for those around you who are used to disregarding you. That is why rebuilding your self-esteem is crucial—because if you neglect this step, you will lack the foundation necessary to sustain this transformation.

Toxic people do not let go easily. They will use all their strategies to manipulate you—anger, tears, guilt-tripping, rumors, silence, ignoring your calls, contempt, isolation, indifference, and more. They have many ways to pressure you into giving in and staying the same. You must be confident and have done the inner work so that your words are not just ideas from a book, but a deep conviction that you deserve love and respect.

Finally, you will need to surrender these relationships on the altar. If you are a Christian or have read the Bible, you are probably familiar with the story of Abraham bringing his son Isaac to the altar. In this story, God wanted to test Abraham’s heart to see if he truly loved Him by asking him to let go of what was most precious to him—his son Isaac.

Of course, God saw Abraham’s heart and spared his son. Instead, Abraham found a ram and offered it to God. Even though some relationships are toxic and leave us feeling perplexed or confused, they remain precious to us because we love those people. We often lack the perspective needed to take concrete action. Laying the relationship on the altar can be as simple as praying: “Lord, I offer you this situation in exchange for what is best for me. If this relationship is not from You, take it away. If You approve of it, provide the ram, just as You did for Abraham.“

In the case of a marriage, this “ram” could take the form of couples therapy, a situation that prompts deep self-reflection, reconciliation, true forgiveness, a change in environment, or a new circle of support. When it comes to friendships, some will survive and transform, while others will be replaced. No matter what, there is always a solution…

This text is an excerpt from the book “I AM LIKE HER” written by Nadine Kabuya.

We invite you to read the next article: “How to Break Free from the Cycle of Emotional Dependence.“

TOXIC RELATIONSHIP. TOXIC RELATIONSHIP. TOXIC RELATIONSHIP. TOXIC RELATIONSHIP.