I therefore urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.” – Ephesians 4:1-3

All marriages go through trials and crises, which often allow love to grow. Every young couple should remember this. True love gives the strength to face challenges, a strength that is expressed through actions, gestures of service to the other, in humble mutual submission. True love comes from the Holy Spirit.

We often forget the depth of this truth. Either we tend not to take love seriously, seeing it only as a fragile fairy tale, or we devote so much energy to trying to find it that we completely miss the point. But true love, the one that flows from the Holy Spirit, does not come from human effort.

A married couple that experiences the blessings of the Holy Spirit will see their love grow year after year, despite trials. After years of marriage, they will still find joy in making each other happy. As one of my cousins, married for over forty years, once said, the expression of love doesn’t make noise. The simplest gesture is often the most eloquent:

I don’t think our relationship could exist without a certain romantic side – those small joys, those unexpected gifts we give each other, confirming and renewing our love day by day. For me, it’s always a pleasant surprise when my husband, who has a talent for writing, gives me a poem or brings flowers for our table. And he really appreciates it when I prepare a cup of coffee or some freshly baked cookies for him at the end of the day!

We have discovered that nothing feels better than a good laugh when we share the little experiences of the day. Of course, marriage is a serious commitment for life. But I also believe we can keep a childlike spirit in marriage and trust in God, who guides us step by step. We may stumble, make mistakes, disagree, or argue. But afterward, we love each other even more.

The Spirit allows us to live experiences on a radically different level.

When two people seek to deepen their relationship and intimacy, they generally do so from shared emotions, values, common projects, and mutual kindness. All of this is important. But it must also be acknowledged that the Holy Spirit enables couples to experience something else, on a radically different level, between husband and wife.

Certainly, marital love based on emotional impulses can be wonderful. But it also risks quickly sinking into despair and misery. In the long run, it has no solid foundation. Love finds its assurance and stability when it is guided by the Spirit of God.

If we only seek unity and love on a human level, we are like clouds floating in the sky. When we seek unity in the Spirit, God can ignite a faithful love in us that will last until the end. The Spirit consumes what is not enduring. He purifies our love. True love does not find its source in us; it is given to us.

A marriage in the Holy Spirit is a covenant of fidelity. Without loyalty, there is no true love or real happiness. In our society, marriage is facing an unprecedented crisis, which should encourage couples to deepen and intensify their mutual commitment. Fidelity is rooted in the inner certainty of the calling we have received. It comes from a joyful submission to God’s plan.

In his 1540 Confession of Faith, the Anabaptist Peter Riedemann described three levels of marriage according to God’s plan:

  1. The marriage of God with His people, of Christ with His Church, and of the Spirit with our spirit (cf. 1 Cor. 6:17).
  2. Communion between members of God’s people – righteousness and brotherly fellowship of spirits and souls.
  3. The unity between a man and a woman (cf. Eph. 5:31), “visible and known to all.”

Unity in faith is the strongest foundation for marriage.

The apostle Paul also draws a parallel between marriage and communion in the Spirit when he tells husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself up for her (Eph. 5:25). For Christians, marriage reflects the deepest unity: the one that unites God with His Church.

That is why, in a Christian marriage, the unity of the Kingdom of God, in Christ and in the Holy Spirit, is what matters most. In the end, it is the only solid foundation upon which a marriage can be built. Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. (Matt. 6:33)

Marriage should always lead two believers closer to Jesus and His Kingdom. It is not enough to marry in the church or before one of its pastors. To draw closer to Christ, they must first each fully commit themselves to the Spirit of the Kingdom of God and to the Church, which, as a community, serves Him in obedience. Above all, there must be full unity of faith and spirit. Only then will they know true unity of soul and body.

This is why – at least traditionally many churches have been reluctant to bless the union of one of their members with a spouse who does not share their faith in Christ (cf. 2 Cor. 6:14). These churches believe that someone who is led by the love and righteousness of a true Christian community cannot remain “a stranger” to it.

They also believe that a marriage between one of their members and someone who remains distant from the Church and does not share its core faith will miss out on the spiritual communion that is the bond of a solid marriage.

When the love between a man and a woman surrenders to the Holy Spirit, placing itself under His authority and direction, when that love serves the unity and righteousness of God’s Kingdom, nothing can stand in the way of their marriage. On the other hand, when a couple lacks spiritual unity, there should be no question of marriage in the church. If the church is truly the Body of Christ, the unity of its members before God must take precedence over any other consideration.

Let us remember that what a Christian marriage requires can never coincide with a set of human demands, or be resolved by principles, rules, and laws. It is understood in the light of communion in God, which shines forth from those who have experienced His Spirit, who have personally accepted it, and who have begun to live in accordance with it.

What God fundamentally desires is unity. That is why Jesus, in His final prayer, prayed for His disciples to be one, just as He and the Father are one (cf. John 17:20-23). It is this will for unity from God that brought Pentecost to the world. Through the outpouring of the Spirit, hearts were moved, people converted, and were baptized.

The fruits of their new life were not only spiritual. The material and practical aspects of their lives were also affected. It was even a revolution. They gathered their possessions, sold them, and laid the proceeds at the apostles’ feet. Out of love, everyone wanted to give all that they had.

And yet, no one lacked anything. Everyone received according to their needs. Nothing was kept for oneself. This revolution was not governed by laws or principles. Jesus Himself had not specified how it should be done. He had simply said:

Sell what you possess and give to the poor. (Matt. 19:21)

This is what happened on the day of Pentecost: the Spirit descended and united the hearts and lives of those who had become believers (cf. Acts 2:42-47).

The Spirit frees us from pettiness and brings unity of hearts.

True unity, just like joy or love, will not come from coercion; it will not be created artificially. Only the Spirit can bring unity. Only the Spirit can free us from our pettiness, from the guilt and sin that separate us from God and from others.

Sure, we can try to free ourselves from these forces by our own will; sometimes, we may even succeed in overcoming them to some degree and for a time. But ultimately, only the spirit of love can conquer the flesh.

Let us never forget that we depend on the guidance of the Holy Spirit (cf. Gal. 5:25). Even in marriage, if the relationship is based solely on mutual feelings or shared values and not on the Spirit, it risks being absorbed by its erotic and emotional aspects.

On our own, we are not capable of bringing about the spiritual unity by which two hearts become one. It is only possible when we allow ourselves to be grasped and transformed by something greater than ourselves.

When a marriage is rooted in the Holy Spirit, both partners realize that their love does not belong to them; it is a fruit, a gift of God’s immense love. They will still have to fight selfishness, the temptation of infidelity, or other issues. But if they keep their hearts open, the Spirit will turn their gaze toward God for help.

May the Spirit, now and always, dwell in each of us, whether we are married or not! God wants to transform what is in our hearts and give us the strength to love. In his first letter to the Corinthians, Paul says:

Love always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” (1 Cor. 13:7-8)

Love is born of the Holy Spirit. Only the Spirit can give life and longevity to a true marriage…

This text is an excerpt from the book Sex, God, and Marriage written by Johann Christoph Arnold.

We invite you to read the following article, The Sacredness of Sex.

Marriage in the Holy Spirit.

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