What did I even do worse than others to deserve this? I fully immersed myself in victimization. There were no guys lurking around anymore; I had put aside all past relationships, the kind you rekindle when you feel lonely. Anyway, for those, I had been exposed; it’s a game I wasn’t good at in the end.

I was focused on this relationship and believed it was the last one, but alas! I was suffering! I insulted him in my heart with every name under the sun. I was mostly hurt by not seeing it coming or refusing to believe it. Once you reach the stage of meeting the parents, you think the deal is sealed. Oh, no! That’s not always the case; nothing in life is guaranteed.

I thought GOD would avenge me for being dumped like an old sock, and in what a way! By SMS! I thought he would at least have the decency to see my father, talk to him, and tell him he no longer wanted this relationship. Not that I secretly wanted my father to convince him, far from it. It was a way for me to avoid any blame from my parents who might say, “What did you do this time to the guy?”

Breaking up like that felt like mocking and disrespecting my parents, and I was filled with hatred. It was a lost cause; he refused to see my father, of course. So, deep down, I kept telling myself, “There is a GOD of justice; he will avenge me.” But had I really put GOD at the beginning of this relationship?

I had gotten involved with him without calling on the Father from the start! But when things started going sour, that’s when I called on Him. In reality, I was just doing things my way and calling Him to validate it, that’s all! Man, this truth hit me like a well-applied slap in the face. I realized I had a lot to learn in this area. I started prayer vigils, dry fasts, playing the part of a Christian in name, but not living what I was preaching, etc. Hahahahahaha!

When a woman is hurt, like a wounded warrior in Chinese movies, she becomes paranoid. It’s like forcing yourself to read the time in Aramaic when you know you don’t even understand the language!

When you wake up from a deep sleep…

A few weeks later, I laughed at myself! When I think about it today, I shake my head and say, “Man, love was strong in me!” I continued following the pastor’s prayer program, this time with different motivations. The pastor has been and still is a kind father, wise and a fine psychologist.

One day, during a conversation we had the day after a prayer vigil with one of his daughters, he repeated the phrase to me, “The end of a thing is better than its beginning.” I believe deep down he knew I was a Christian in name only; I wasn’t truly sincere. But I laughed at myself! Oh, when several people are having a jazz concert in your head, it leads to such completely absurd behavior.

Curiously, that day, this phrase sounded to me like a deliverance regarding my inability to accept the end of this relationship. I resented him mostly for how it ended, as if it didn’t really matter to him. One weekend, alone in my room, I sincerely prayed and told the Father that I surrender. I told Him I was tired of this life. What was wrong with me? Tell me.

For real this time, I cried out to Him. I no longer came to Him to ask for health, money, marriage, my ex to return with better feelings, to travel, etc. No, not at all! I came to Him simply to say: I am weak; I can no longer fight for lost causes; fighting against God, what nerve did I have!

I came to Him for answers to my whys, to find tranquility and inner peace. I promised Him that if He gave me this peace, He would make me a happy woman. A few weeks later, I called Romaric and asked him to forgive me. I told him I forgave him too. We wished each other the best in our respective lives: “Good luck to you, yes to you too.”

I didn’t try to call him or contact him again. I got rid of everything that could remind me of that relationship; I did a big cleanup. I was determined to move on, but differently this time. A few months later, those months that seemed like an eternity to me, two choices presented themselves:

1. Either I take responsibility for my life, work on myself, rise from these events, grown, and wiser.
2. Or I sink deeper into darkness, brooding over past mistakes, resentment, and guilt.

I chose the first option, to truly turn the page. I opened another chapter of my life and promised myself that day that I would become the best version of myself in all areas of my life. And the big cleanup would start inside.

The first task I tackled was my own life, obviously, to understand how I got there and how to turn this series of painful experiences into an opportunity to mature and open up to other possibilities…

This text is an excerpt from the book “Beautiful, Intelligent, and… Single?” written by Suzanne KWEDI.

We invite you to read the following article “When All Men Are Bad and Fake Guys.”

Victim. Victim. Victim. Victim. Victim