Someone once said, “Men marry women thinking they will stay the same for the rest of their lives, and women marry men thinking they will change them. They both end up disappointed.” (Kenneth Hagin)

Unrealistic expectations are very common and cause a series of frustrations in couples, as well as in nuclear and extended families. Love falters when these unattainable expectations persist. While Anne expected compassionate and consoling listening from her husband, Elkanah believed that simply being her husband and giving her a double portion of goods should fulfill her.

One expects charming words but finds them lacking in daily life; the other expects delicious meals from his wife but realizes that her cooking falls short of his dreams. The ideal man or the flawless woman simply does not exist. Someone once said:

“Love involves accepting the other as they are and loving them for who they are, not for what they might become and are not. For it’s very likely they will never become that.“

Loving the other without conditions or ultimatums, imitating divine grace that loves freely. Loving, even if the other doesn’t quite match the smooth and glowing image one had of the ideal spouse. (True love reveals itself in the morning when you can say “I love you” to someone who snored like a trumpeting elephant or who has a trail of drool on the corner of their mouth…).

Unrealistic expectations lead to a series of frustrations which, when accumulated, sometimes result in an avalanche of reproaches and wounds. One can perceive this unrealistic expectation as a judgment, feeling hurt and deeply diminished.

A woman once visited me and told me that her husband was not very active in bed and often refused to have intimate relations with her. Speaking with the man, he explained his frustrations. The woman expected a porn star with exceptional performance, but he was incapable of this, and his health condition did not allow him to take sexual stimulants.

The more she wanted, the more he felt frustrated, humiliated, and… powerless. I could feel his pain because at the end of every sentence, he broke into tears, his frustration was so great. We made the woman understand that she should be content with what her husband could offer and not be too demanding.

Many people start a home with the goal of finding satisfaction, joy, and happiness with their partner. They are quickly disappointed because their expectations cannot be fulfilled by any person on earth except God Himself. Indeed, it is by drawing from divine resources that the “thirst” is quenched, as Jesus said to the Samaritan woman.

Man, regardless of his devotion, potential, and goodwill, is limited and incapable of giving complete satisfaction to anyone. If Christ is not enough for us, then no earthly relationship will be able to meet our needs…

This text is an excerpt from the book “When Love Is in Crisis” written by Dr. Max Kudianana.

We invite you to read the following article: “Impact of Love Crisis on Married Life.“