Marriage: Red Light, Green Light.

Preconceived notions have conditioned many individuals to assert that divorce is considered a bitter failure in life’s journey, even a fatal destiny for some. Without advocating for it, I want to emphasize that each story is unique, and it depends on the lessons we draw from it.

One may post pictures of a smiling couple, arms around each other, in an idyllic setting, creating the illusion of a happy and fulfilled relationship. However, behind these mostly retouched images lies a much sadder parallel reality. You are probably familiar with the famous saying: “Looks can be deceiving.”

We are all witnessing a notable decline in the values taught by the institution of marriage. Abominable laws are drafted, voted on, approved, and, in their application, distort the divine principles that characterize marriage. Getting married remains a crucial decision, involving two individuals of the opposite sex, as intended and desired by God.

The couple is primarily affected because each spouse commits before God and humanity, making mutual vows of honor, respect, and assistance in all circumstances.

But what happens when these vows are violated? As the great English-speaking orator Dr. Myles Munroe aptly put it, “Marriage is not only about the ring and the dress!“

Hence the importance of asking even the most uncomfortable questions to a potential life partner, questions that are often avoided out of fear of rejection. I recommend the book by my Coach and mentor William Djamen, available on eglise.shop, “50 Questions to Ask Him Before Saying YES,” which extensively addresses the importance of asking questions before committing to marriage.

Reading this book opened my eyes to many mistakes I could have avoided, despite the advice and warnings from my mother. It seems that time and certain circumstances reveal the true nature of beings and things. Two people cannot walk together if they are not in agreement…

Contrary to what is often taught, loving a person alone is not a sufficient reason for a marriage to last. In my opinion, it is the understanding of the spouses’ language, along with numerous other significant factors, that should not be ignored when considering marriage.

In my case, one of these factors was the poor understanding and management of my emotions. I learned this the hard way. There is a big difference between being in love and thinking you are in love. The trap of emotions taught me, painfully, that disaster is assured when they are not regulated. After all, nothing stable can be built on the foundation of emotions.

The main indicators that generally prove one is not ready for a serious relationship are the fear of rejection, despair, and haste—a trio responsible for many relationship damages. One of the greatest challenges in our existence lies in the types of relationships we form. Some have destroyed us, others have forged a protective shield, and others have simply allowed us to discover ourselves.

But fortunately, when we have overcome the denial stage and initiated the long process of healing from our past wounds before commitment, I can confidently and proudly affirm from my experience that nothing is lost. What does not kill us makes us stronger…

Growing up in a balanced and fulfilling family environment did not spare me from suffering. In my case, I was not left to my own devices, but to my unconscious inclinations. I had the grace to be surrounded, guided, and advised by my mother and brothers, but I made my decision nonetheless and faced the consequences.

I am committed to writing my story, not from a victim’s perspective because I was as much at fault as my ex-spouse. On the one hand, I deliberately ignored the “red flags,” wanting to play the role of a healer; on the other hand, I violated a spiritual principle of which I was unaware of the impact—engaging in sexual relations before marriage despite having made a promise.

To use a familiar expression, “nothing is written in advance.” We are the architects of our destiny, and it is determined by the good or bad choices we make. I am a proponent of “second chances,” but I remain convinced that a flawless marriage is a utopia. However, aspiring to it is not forbidden, provided one approaches it with caution and, above all, without losing oneself.

This text is an excerpt from the book “DOORMAT HEART, CONCRETE HEART” written by Jennifer SYLAIRE.