The happy or unhappy circumstances of life, especially those that occur in childhood, have a significant influence on the perception and understanding of love: a difficult trial or a drama to overcome (family poverty, husband’s unemployment, the death of a loved one, rape, etc.).

I met a married woman, mother of two boys, who had a very difficult personality. She was very impulsive and quick-tempered. Her father was unfaithful and physically abused their mother. She said to herself, “I will never allow a man to lay a hand on me.” She eventually married, according to custom, a Christian with a rather calm temperament and refused to have both a civil and religious wedding despite her husband’s insistence.

She confessed to us that she did not want to be bound by a commitment that would require too many procedures for separation. She is in a marriage with the constant thought of leaving this man if only she experiences difficulties in her household.

Her parents’ life negatively influenced her beliefs about marital relationships. She, therefore, does not know agapao, nor phileo, let alone storge, as her commitment is as fragile as a strand of hair.

The new birth that makes us new creatures through Him who turned water into wine allows us to live a more abundant life than before. If we are truly children of God, we should, therefore, be delivered from the effects of the past imprinted on our emotions.

Identity Crisis

“So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself.” – Ephesians 5:28

A lack of love is also an identity problem. Many men and women are unable to love themselves. They do not accept themselves as they are. They make great efforts to appear a certain way. Jesus, addressing the Samaritan woman, asked her to call her husband, and she sincerely replied, “I have no husband.”

She made great efforts to appear as a married woman because she was seeking love. Imagine this man who believes himself to be the husband of the Samaritan woman, hearing her words! There are also married couples who demand the freedom of being single from each other. Yet, life as a couple imposes rules on the married to which both freely consent to submit. They form a single entity called “one flesh.”

The partner God gives is often a reflection of our own selves, an answer to prayer, and the deeper needs of our soul. Dear men, the women God gives you are helpers who resemble and complement you. Their contribution is a major asset for your own stability and balance. Make an effort to know yourself, and you will understand the woman you married.

Dear women, the men you complete are less inclined to admit that they need your tenderness and charm in their daily lives, but I urge you not to deprive them of it; discover your potential and use all your charm, shower them with love without neglecting anything, and you will make them happy and fulfill the purpose for which God placed you by their side.

As long as you have not discovered yourself, as long as you have not loved yourself, you will be unable to love the other as yourself. Know your strengths and weaknesses, and you will understand that being together is not a matter of chance. Living with my wife has allowed me to live in contentment and to cultivate patience that I did not have.

I needed someone as frank in love and words as she is to discover myself and let go of many things in my life. She is not like me, but she completes me. This is the secret of life as a couple: where one is strong, the other is weak; where one is vulnerable, the other is firm, etc.

This text is an excerpt from the book When Love is in Crisis written by Dr. Max Kudianana.

We invite you to read the following article “UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS“.

Love Crisis. Love Crisis