“Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.” Hebrews 13:4

There are two dangers that threaten sexuality: on the one hand, the fear of surrendering to the intimacy required by a physical relationship, the fear that sexuality is something dirty and shameful. On the other hand, the relentless pursuit of pleasure and sin. It is clear that the realm of sexuality is not without potential distortions.

Even in marriage, if lived without God, who created it, blessings can turn into dangers. Lust replaces passion; aggression, even brutality, replaces tenderness; uncontrolled desire replaces mutual self-giving.

On these subjects, the Church should never remain silent (1 Corinthians 5:1-5). The spirit of impurity lurks to tempt us. It creeps into the sanctuary of marriage if we leave the door open. Once impurity infiltrates a marriage, it becomes increasingly difficult to remain in the love of God, and easier to drift apart and fall into temptation.

Let us never underestimate the power of impure spirits that lead people to do evil, even within marriage. Under their influence, sexuality loses its noblest virtues; it loses its value. What was created as a wonderful gift from God becomes a destructive and fatal experience. Only repentance will lead to healing and restoration of relationships.

From the conjugal act can be born a union like no other.

When we understand the sacredness of sexuality, the fulfillment of love between spouses as God intended it, we grasp its true nature. The same is true of the sexual act, in which conjugal love finds its most complete physical expression. Because sexual relations represent a particularly intense sensory experience, it is essential that they remain grounded in God.

If sexuality is not seen as a gift from God, subordinated to Him, it risks becoming an idol. However, when approached with respect, it “awakens what is most intimate, most sacred, most vulnerable in the human heart.”

In a true marriage, sexuality is guided by something greater than the desire felt by each partner: it is driven by the love that binds them. When each partner gives themselves entirely to the other, a union occurs that is unmatched in depth. It will not be merely “physical love,” but the expression and fulfillment of love in its fullness, an unconditional gift, an accomplishment.

Physically giving oneself to another person is a unique and beautiful sensation. Orgasm, the climax, the peak of physical union, is a powerful, overwhelming experience. It powerfully affects the mind. At that moment, what the body experiences is so intense that it is difficult to distinguish it from what the mind feels. In a harmony of heart and body, two human beings reach the pinnacle of the joy of loving each other.

In a total union, the two partners detach from their individual personalities to form the closest of communions. At the moment of orgasm, the person is, so to speak, carried away, engulfed, to the point that their awareness of existing as an independent individual temporarily disappears.

Physical union should always be the expression of a unity of heart and mind.

One cannot approach the sexual relationship with too much respect. Even without prudery, we find it difficult to talk about it. A man and a woman united in marriage must be able to talk openly together, even about the most intimate things. But they will never do so without the respect that comes from their mutual love.

It is essential for a couple not to go to bed without first turning to Jesus. There is no need for a long prayer: Jesus always knows what we are trying to express and what we need. But we must thank Him and seek what He expects from us if we do not knock on His door, He will not be able to guide us. This also applies, of course, to the start of the day.

If their marriage is founded on Christ, on His love and purity, the spouses will find how to live their relationship on all levels. Let us heed the warning of the apostle Paul: Are you angry? Do not sin; do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold (Ephesians 4:26-27). Prayer is essential to resolving disagreements. Physical union without unity of heart is hypocritical. It is a desecration of the bond of love.

Physical union should always be the expression of a unity of spirit and heart, and not just a means of bodily satisfaction. In Jesus, every physical act of love is a mutual gift of self, a sign of commitment to live for one another. It has nothing to do with some vital force or a desire for sexual conquest.

A man who uses his wife solely for his own satisfaction insults both his dignity and that of his partner. He exploits sexuality for selfish ends.

Sexual fulfillment lies in mutual submission.

Sexual desire may remain dormant in a newly married couple. It may happen that a husband must awaken his wife’s desire for sexual relations. This can take time. He will therefore be patient and will only initiate a sexual union when his wife is ready. For a virgin woman, the first sexual relationship may be painful and cause slight bleeding. This is not serious. But a husband must be aware of the discomfort felt by his wife.

Out of love, a husband will be careful to discern whether his wife is ready. Even if he is impatient, he will not rush into a sexual relationship. He will not focus solely on his own satisfaction but will remain sensitive to the fact that women often need more time than men to reach orgasm. And after the act, he will not quietly fall asleep while his wife remains awake with a deep sense of disappointment and frustration.

A woman’s sexual happiness depends more than a man’s on the circumstances surrounding their union: the intimacy she feels with her husband, little gestures of tenderness, affectionate words. Her pleasure does not depend solely on orgasm. The mere presence of her beloved by her side can give her an extremely deep sense of fulfillment.

A couple should learn to prepare each other for physical union. When filled with love, stimulation strengthens the feeling of unity in a couple. Not only does it prepare for physical union, but it also fosters trust and envelops the couple in a sense of security. Both the man and the woman must learn what pleases and stimulates their partner. Speaking of women, for example, von Gagern writes:

“There are parts of the body that are particularly receptive to caresses the mouth, the breasts, under the arms, the spine. But it is always the unique love of the couple that will guide them each time.”

As self-discipline, abstinence can strengthen a couple’s love.

Physically, sexual relations are always possible. But a husband should be willing to abstain for the sake of his wife’s health, especially before and after childbirth. As a marital counselor, I have always recommended abstinence during menstruation, and at least during the six weeks preceding the birth of a child.

I also recommend couples abstain as long as possible after a birth to allow the mother to recover both physically and emotionally. Since each couple is different, it is difficult to suggest a precise timeframe. What matters is paying attention to the woman.

When a husband is attentive to his wife’s needs, he will practice self-discipline through abstinence as long as necessary (cf. 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5). During these periods of abstinence, out of love for her husband, the wife will take care not to excite him sexually.

It is often mistakenly believed that abstinence is inherently negative and a source of frustration. If it is rooted in love, it will deepen and enrich the relationship. It can even have a therapeutic effect. John Kippley, founder of a ministry serving couples, tells how a woman who had been abused by her father experienced healing thanks to her husband, who took her needs into consideration.

“Thanks to his restraint,” she told John, “I was able to discover for the first time that I was more than just a body. I could be loved without having to perform sexually. I had value as a person; I was not just an object of pleasure.“

When a woman approaches her fifties, her pleasure or interest in sexual relations may decrease. This can become difficult for her husband. However, he will remain careful that his love for his wife does not fade.

This text is an excerpt from the book Sexuality, Marriage, and God written by Johann Christoph Arnold.

We invite you to read the following article, “Children Need Living Examples, Not Pious Words.“

The Sacred Nature of Sexuality. The Sacred Nature of Sexuality. The Sacred Nature of Sexuality.

The Sacred Nature of Sexuality. The Sacred Nature of Sexuality. The Sacred Nature of Sexuality.